If you’ve spent an extended amount of time in France with actual French people, you know all about the ritual of the apéro — and that ritual is the best word to describe it.

Consistently splitting my time between the United States and France basically ever since I made my big move in 2014, I can’t help but notice and reflect on the cultural differences between Americans and French people. 

One of the many things that the French do right is their attitude around socializing, entertaining, and hosting. The French are inherently social whereas Americans (at least the ones I know and love) are fundamentally individualist — this comes out in so, so many ways — something I would have never figured out if I hadn’t committed to splitting my life in two amongst the two cultures.

After some extended time with my French in-laws over the holidays, it suddenly hit my I-spend-too-much-time-online millennial brain: did the French invent yapping? For my less chronically online readers, to yap is to chat, and boy do the French love to chit-chat. It’s totally normal for a group of friends to meet up around 5pm to begin apéro, only to part in the wee hours of the morning. And what did they do for the past eight or nine hours, you may ask? They talked. And enjoyed their apéro.

The Meaning and History of l’Apéro

Apéro is the colloquial version of the word apéritif, which comes from the Latin word aperire, meaning “to open.” It makes sense — l’apéro “opens” the meal and is meant to stimulate the appetite. 

In the past, apéritifs were herbal or medicinal drinks like fortified wine or bitter liqueurs designed to help digestion. This practice dates back to the Middle Ages, but it grew in popularity with the masses in the 19th century when drinks like vermouth, pastis, and Suze became widely available and enjoyed.

Over time, l’apéro evolved beyond a simple pre-dinner drink into a full-fledged social event. Now, that’s not to say that most French people have parties every night of the week before dinner. My in-laws usually have a beer along with some savory snacks like chips or pretzels (the only time I ever see them snack, really) before dinner when my husband and I come over. They still call it apéro, but it’s not as elaborate.

As the tradition grew, it transformed into a moment of relaxation, conversation, and conviviality that is deeply embedded in French culture. Unlike American happy hours, where discounted drinks and quick socializing are the name of the game, the French apéro is about slowing down, savoring the moment, and participating in some good old-fashioned existential conversation.

Whenever I have evening plans with my French friends, 99% of the time we’re having l’apéro at someone’s apartment. It’s an opportunity to débriefer our weeks, catch up on gossip, and spend time together. Everyone is responsible for bringing something to eat and drink, and it often turns into an apéro dinatoire, in which snack food becomes more substantial so we don’t have to worry about cooking a big meal.

The Unspoken Apéro Rules

As I already alluded to, l’apéro is not about getting as drunk as quickly as you can, so one of the first rules every American should heed is to pace yourself. This isn’t pregaming or predrinks. It’s sipping and savoring. I have never taken shots at l’apéro.

Another unspoken rule I briefly mentioned is that everyone is expected to show up with something. I’ve found this to be true at any French social engagement, and it’s something that isn’t as engrained into American culture: if you’re invited somewhere, you bring something along, even if no one asked you to. My French husband was appalled when I told him, “We don’t really do that in the States.” Now, even when we are in the US, we always bring a little gift and I’m honestly glad we do even though it’s not the norm. People appreciate it.

I digress. The next rule to abide by is to prepare yourself for constant conversation for several hours straight. As the more reserved, American person I am, I have to admit that by hour six or seven I’m usually ready to go home, whereas my husband could keep yapping along for another five. Topics range from things like what’s going on in our day-to-day lives, things we got up to over the week, what’s going on at work, to politics, religion, and, yes, existential topics like life, death, and what happens next. I’m not kidding or exaggerating at all — this level of depth is what I like most about the French, and you really see it come out at l’apéro.

I think the last unspoken rule is to respect the ritual. Again, l’apéro is not a pregame for a wild night out and when done right you shouldn’t have a headache the next morning. It’s a moment to relax after a long day or week, to catch up with friends, family, and loved ones, to enjoy a great glass of wine, to share good conversation, and to bask in the fact that you are where you are without any other place to be. 

I don’t think we have anything like it in the US. Feel free to correct me if I’m wrong.

Photo by Etienne Girardet on Unsplash

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