When I first moved to France, many things surprised me initially. Most were pleasant — you mean I can order a 2€ coffee and sit at the same table undisturbed for hours on end? I can go grocery shopping without having to inspect every ingredient list? I can take a leisurely, 1-hour lunch break, and that’s the norm?

Then, there were things I wasn’t expecting, and most of those are wrapped up in the world of French Etiquette. It’s its own cultural code, and coming from the US, some of these social rules might surprise you, like they surprised me.

Where Americans value friendliness (real or not), casual conversation, and a general “easygoing” type of vibe, the French prefer formality, precision, and specific boundaries when it comes to social situations. As an American married to a French person, I’ll let you imagine just how many awkward moments I’ve found myself in over the years.

Some parts of French etiquette I really love and respect, and I look forward to raising my future children with many of its values. On the other hand, some others that make you feel like you’re living in a world since long passed — and I’m happy to blame my I’m-a-foreigner naïveté when I choose not to participate in them.

Understanding these differences can help you avoid awkward moments and start off on the right foot. I knew nothing before moving to France — allow me to help you not make the same mistakes I did.

Start Every Conversation with Bonjour

One way to be perceived as the rude American is to walk into a shop without saying bonjour as soon as you enter. The same goes for passing a neighbor in the hallway or just starting a conversation with someone. You should always begin with a bonjour during the day, or a bonsoir in the evening. 

Skipping this can come across as very abrupt and yes, rude. Even a quick trip to the bakery starts with bonjour, madame/monsieur — and only after saying that should you place your order.

The fact that this is not the norm in the US always shocks my French husband — he would never dream of entering a public place without a greeting. 

Use Formal Titles First

This is something else that doesn’t always occur in the States. Americans like to be on a “first-name basis” right away, but in France, it’s the opposite: formality is the default.

Always address new acquaintances (if they’re significantly older than you), shopkeepers, and service providers/professionals as madame or monsieur until they tell you otherwise. In my experience, even most French people find this to be a bit old-fashioned, and they will often tell you to call them by their first name after the first drop of a formal title. But it’s not considered polite to jump in without a little formality first.

The same goes for written communication. Whether it’s an email or a letter, begin formally and wait for cues before moving into a more casual tone.

It’s Vous until They Say So

One of the biggest differences between French and English is the whole tu vs. vous discussion. Tu is the informal you, while vous is the formal version, which shows respect. Unless you’re speaking to a child, someone your own age, or a person you know very well, always start with vous.

Switching to tu too soon can seem overfamiliar or even disrespectful, especially for the older generation. Let the French person make the first move if they decide they want to “tutoyer” instead of “vous voyez.”

This is something my French family doesn’t really hold me to — I do try my best to vous voyez everyone until they tell me otherwise, but often I don’t know what form is the correct one to use. 

The general rule is: if you don’t know them or they’re older than you, it’s always vous. I usually just follow my husband’s lead. I have been on the receiving end of some strange looks when I tutoyer right away without really thinking about it. But, it’s often followed up by a comment like, “Oh, I forgot in English you don’t have the same rules,” and I’m forgiven.

But, when in doubt? Vous voyez is the move.

Mind Your Table Manners

French dining culture is another world all its own. If you’re invited to a meal, here are some basics I would keep in mind:

• Never show up right on time to a dinner party. 5-15 minutes late is expected.
• Never start eating until everyone is served and the host says bon appétit.
• Always trinquer (cheers) with everyone present before taking a sip of your drink.
• Need a refill? Serve everyone else first.
• Use your utensils for everything; eating with your hands (even pizza or fruit) is considered rude.
• When it comes to digging into the cheese plate, follow the host’s lead. Or do what I do and just ask someone else to cut it for you because it’s too much pressure.
• Don’t clear away any dishes until everyone is done eating.
• Offer to help clean up.

Don’t Overshare

Something I discovered early on in France is that personal information is revealed slowly, over time. Asking too many questions about someone’s job, salary, or family life too early in a conversation can feel invasive to the French.

Small talk isn’t the same as it is in the US either. The French don’t tend to chat casually with strangers at the grocery store or on public transportation. Once you build a relationship, yes, conversations can go very deep — often much deeper than what I’ve experienced in the States — but until then, privacy is important.

My husband and I talk about this all the time. Say you’re out at a bar and you meet an American. Suddenly, you’re their “new best friend,” and “OMG, we definitely need to hang out, I love you so much!” But, will you ever see that person again? Probably not, they were just being friendly, fake or not. Any information they may have shared was likely very surface-level and a whole lot of fluff.

Conversely, making casual friends with a French person is much more difficult, and they would never consider a person they just met their best friend or someone they love. But, once you do start getting to know them, you’ll be able to rely on them, and when they say we, “definitely need to hang out,” they’ll actually mean it. Then they’ll tell you their whole life story over coffee at 10am with a side of existential conversation to boot.

The Art of La Bise

Saying goodbye (and hello) in France is its own mini-ceremony. Whether you’re leaving a dinner party or wrapping up a business meeting, it’s important to properly acknowledge everyone in the room.

In informal settings this almost always includes la bise — the French cheek kiss — though the exact number of kisses can vary by region (it’s usually two, but more in the south). It never, ever, ever, includes a hug unless you’re with family or very close friends… and even then, most French people do prefer la bise.

Of course this tradition was put into the spotlight during the pandemic and the years following. In my friend group, we were all not-so-secretly really happy to ditch la bise. But, in my opinion, it is officially back, and skipping it would be considered rude. Alas, I’ve had to suck it up and start kissing cheeks again when entering and leaving a room.

All of this said, French etiquette isn’t designed to be frustrating, cold, or annoying — it’s simply more structured than what we’re used to in the US. There are more rules, and where American culture values friendliness, French culture values politesse (politeness) and respect for social boundaries.

As we always say here at TAIP, if you approach your interactions with curiosity, most people will appreciate your effort, even if you don’t get every single rule right the first time.

And when in doubt, you can always blame your I’m-a-foreigner naïveté like I do.

Photo by Sébastien Bloesch on Unsplash

Did you enjoy this article? TAIP is 100% reader-supported through tipping. If you want to leave us a tip of any amount it would be highly appreciated.  These tips help support our efforts to keep TAIP an ad-free environment. Just like at a cafe, the tips are split evenly among the team.